<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>The Dark Lord of SoulCycle by amanda_please</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27112969">The Dark Lord of SoulCycle</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/amanda_please/pseuds/amanda_please'>amanda_please</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Malfoy Chronicles [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:07:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,797</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27112969</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/amanda_please/pseuds/amanda_please</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the Death Eaters take SoulCycle and meet the most intense spin instructor, Tom Riddle...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bellatrix Black Lestrange/Rodolphus Lestrange, Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Black Malfoy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Malfoy Chronicles [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2058441</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Dark Lord of SoulCycle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi guys, this is my first attempt at some crack...let me know what you think! Picturing Bellatrix Lestrange and the Malfoys in a spin class has had me laughing for a long time.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>           Tom Riddle ran a hand over his freshly shaved head, furrowed his brow, and looked at the roster for his 10 AM Saturday morning class. There were the regulars, of course: SoulCycle-crazed Bella Lestrange and her nondescript husband (the week before, she'd followed Tom home after his last class and the studio had to speak with her about boundaries), the short and rotund Peter Pettigrew who was trying to get his figure back for bathing suit season, and the silent hipster Sev Snape who lived somewhere in Brooklyn (Tom always tried to catch his eye after class, but Sev would have none of it). Then there were the first-timers: a threesome called Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco Malfoy (Tom wondered if they were European?), a Fenrir Greyback (who Tom figured <em>had </em>to be European), and a number of other unremarkable names that he didn't recognize.</p><p>            "It's pretty packed today," commented Julia from behind the front desk. She had the appearance of a wood nymph with white-blonde waves that she would casually toss behind one shoulder as she checked participants off on the roster and handed them their rented clip-in shoes.</p><p>            "It always is," Tom replied, laying the roster down in front of her. "Why the world has selected my Saturday morning class as the be-all and end-all, I'll never know."</p><p>            "It clearly has to do with the instructor," said Julia, flashing him a quick sideways smile. Tom groaned internally; he must have told her fourteen times that he was <em>only </em>interested in men.</p><p>            "I doubt that," he said drily, taking a swig from his reusable water bottle.</p><p>            "You know what they're calling you now, right?" asked Julia, dropping her voice to a whisper. "The Dark Lord of SoulCycle; you've all but got a cult following."</p><p>            "<em>The Dark Lord of SoulCycle</em>? You've got to be joking. Does this have anything to do with that Bella Lestrange, by any chance?"</p><p>            "Yes, I'm fairly certain that she herself dubbed you The Dark Lord. Apparently, she's been spreading the word that you're the most talented instructor that she's ever had in all of her years at SoulCycle."</p><p>            "God help me," snorted Tom, rolling his eyes. "I'm going to take a quick five; start sending them in at 9:55. You know the drill." With that, he put up the hood of his black sweatshirt, squared his shoulders, and exited out the back of the studio to inhale the crisp fall morning air, mentally preparing himself to spend the next hour screaming at a bunch of newbies in the dark as music blared all around them.</p>
<hr/><p>            "Narcissa, you're just going to <em>love </em>it!" Bella Lestrange's high-pitched voice rang out as she waited by the front desk for Julia to check them in.</p><p>            "I should certainly hope so, Bella. I cancelled my Saturday morning mani-pedi for this," the woman next to her replied. At first glance, one wouldn't place them as sisters: Bella had dark, wild curls pinned up in a half-collapsing bun, and Narcissa had long, blonde hair tied back in a flawless ponytail. However, their high aristocratic cheekbones were the same, and something about the way their eyes flashed disdain at anyone who dared speak to them was identical.</p><p>            "Where are Lucius and Draco?" asked Bella, tapping her fingernails impatiently on the front desk as Julia tried fruitlessly to chat up Sev Snape. He merely scowled at her, informed her that he had his <em>own </em>shoes, thank you very much, and moved huffily to wait by the studio door.</p><p>            "We came separately. Lucius loses his <em>mind </em>if he doesn't get his Venti half caff with soymilk and a shot of sugar-free vanilla syrup on Saturday mornings, so he took Draco to Starbucks, and I had Dobby drop me off here," Narcissa replied, her long, perfectly manicured fingernails tapping out an urgent <em>where are you???</em> to her husband.</p><p>            "Only you would have a <em>chauffeur </em>drop you off at a SoulCycle class," said Bella, rolling her eyes at her younger sister.</p><p>            "I beg to differ! SoulCycle is for the elite members of society. And besides, how else was I going to get here from the Upper East Side? Of course you just <em>had </em>to choose the Tribeca studio," Narcissa snapped, watching as her husband shot her a quick reply of <em>two blocks away- Draco had a meltdown (they ran out of pumpkin spice syrup). </em>Narcissa inhaled sharply, glad that she had come separately after all. Public scenes were high on her list of things that she despised in life.</p><p>            "I didn't choose the class for the <em>location</em>; I chose it for the <em>instructor</em>. And Tom's class is <em>especially </em>elite. I'm telling you, Cissy, he is the <em>best </em>instructor that I've ever had-"</p><p>            "Next," said Julia loudly over Bella's babbling. Narcissa rolled her own eyes, wondering why exactly this spin instructor had enchanted her sister so. He'd been all that Bella could talk about for the past few weeks; she was like a woman possessed.</p><p>            "Excuse me?" Bella hissed at Julia, narrowing her eyes dangerously.</p><p>            "Next?" repeated Julia uncertainly.</p><p>            "You interrupted our conversation," Bella replied in a low voice that sent shivers down Julia's spine. She'd been fairly certain that the woman was mentally unhinged after she had watched her lurk outside the studio for four hours so that she could follow Tom home.</p><p>            "Oh. I'm sorry, but I have to check everyone in before the class begins."</p><p>            "Can't you see that we're not just <em>everyone</em>? Do you even know who I <em>am</em>?"</p><p>            "You're Bella Lestrange, right? I'm sorry, I just-"</p><p>            "Oh, Bella, just leave it," broke in Narcissa impatiently, giving her sister a light pinch on the arm. Bella whacked her away angrily. "Yes, please check us in. I'm Narcissa Malfoy and you can also check in Lucius and Draco Malfoy. They're almost-"</p><p>            "We're here, Cissy!" a very tall, long-haired blonde man called as he strolled nonchalantly into SoulCycle, one hand holding a Venti Starbucks cup and the other one clasped tightly over a teenage boy's shoulder. The boy, who was like a miniature version of the man with his platinum blonde hair and steely gray eyes, had an ugly sneer on his pale, pointed face.</p><p>            "Okay, got it. So, Bella Lestrange and Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco Malfoy are all here. Would you like the clip-in shoes? Malfoys- your shoes are complimentary as it's your first time here," said Julia, busily checking their names off.</p><p>            "Yes, thank you," Narcissa replied, rattling off their shoe sizes in a business-like manner.</p><p>            "Excuse me," hissed Bella a second later.</p><p>            "Yes, Mrs. Lestrange? Would you also like the shoes? They're going to cost-"</p><p>            "No, <em>clearly </em>I have my own shoes," Bella cut across her sharply. "I was going to say that you should also check in Rodolphus Lestrange."</p><p>            "Where is Mr. Lestrange? He needs to check in with me in person."</p><p>            "Oh, who knows where exactly he is. But he is <em>here</em>."</p><p>            "Okay," said Julia indifferently, deciding that this wasn't worth the battle, and turned to the long line that had formed behind Bella. "Step up, step up; only a few more minutes before the class starts! And Tom <em>hates </em>to be kept waiting."</p>
<hr/><p>            Tom strolled into the studio several minutes later, his black hood still up, and watched derisively as the first-timers struggled to adjust their bikes. It was just so <em>predictable</em>, he thought, already bored.</p><p>            "Tom!" Bella screeched from a bike <em>right </em>in front of the podium; of <em>course</em> she had managed to secure herself the spot closest to him. Tom swallowed a groan, and gave her the tiniest nod hello. He glanced to her left and saw a <em>delicious </em>looking blonde man that had to be at least six foot two, and wondered who he was.</p><p>            "Welcome, class," said Tom over his headset, and all heads snapped up to look at him. Julia was helping one of the newbies mount their bikes, Peter Pettigrew was already wheezing as he adjusted his seat's height, and Sev Snape avoided eye contact with Tom like it was his job. "My name is Tom, and I'll be your instructor this morning. Everyone get settled, and we'll begin in a few. If you need help setting up, wave a hand and Julia will come over."</p><p>            "Tom! Tom!" Bella continued calling from her bike, and Tom, trapped into conversing with her now, rolled his eyes and meandered over to her.</p><p>            "Bella, how are you today? And who is your friend?" he replied, his eyes drifting casually over to the blonde next to her, locking his own bloodshot eyes with the man's gray, stormy ones. Tom knew that his own body was <em>flawless</em>, but late nights were ruining his eyes. He knew that someday soon he'd no longer be able to go clubbing like he was still twenty-two, but that day seemed far away. Some nights he swore he was <em>immortal</em>.</p><p>            "This is my sister, Narcissa," said Bella, gesturing to the slight blonde woman to Lucius's left, who nodded stiffly at Tom, "and this is her husband, Lucius," indicating Tom's object of interest, who also gave a curt nod of recognition. He screamed internally, wondering if maybe Lucius swung both ways, and barely listened to Bella as she also introduced her nephew, who was on Narcissa's left and looked as though he were two seconds away from pitching a fit; yet another reason why Tom had absolutely no interest in reproducing.</p><p>            "Very nice to meet you all," Tom replied in a blasé tone, and he strolled back to the podium. Julia helped the last fool onto their bike and exited the room smoothly, and then the lights went down and the music up. He could hear Bella screaming incoherent nonsense <em>already</em>, and he wondered not for the first time if something had happened to her in childhood to make her the way she was. "All right, here we go, class! Turn your knob to the right for more resistance!" He began the same way he always did, and took twisted pleasure in the panic that was already flitting across some of the first-timers' faces. No one could really hear him over the pumping music, which was kind of the point, but he continued dictating commands anyway as they slogged through their warm-up. Tom saw a strange expression dart across Sev's face, and wished that he had access to the man's inner thoughts; that brooding hipster never failed to confuse him.</p><p>            "Yes, MASTER!" Bella hollered over the music, throwing her body so hard over the handlebars that he almost feared for her safety.</p><p>            "Please don't call me that," replied Tom in annoyance, but no one could hear him. "Turn your knob another full turn," he added only slightly louder, knowing that his quiet instructions would eventually send someone over the edge. He moved toward his bike on the podium.</p><p>            "Turn your knob which way?" Lucius Malfoy hissed to his wife as they pedaled frantically directly in front of Tom.</p><p>            ""I don't know! Right? Which way was more resistance?" Narcissa panicked as Tom hopped onto his bike, broad shoulders bent over the handlebars. The class followed suit and began to bob from right to left in time with the blaring music. Peter and Sev certainly knew what they were doing, as did a few randoms that had evidently attended a spin class before. Bella wasn't so much as following the beat of the music as trying to show Tom how much she was literally <em>throwing </em>herself into the class. Tom raised his head slightly and let his eyes drift over to Lucius, who was clearly growing more frazzled by the second, and, still bitter over the fact that the beautiful blonde was taken, he decided that some torture would be fun.</p><p>            "What are you <em>doing</em>?" Tom snapped several seconds later as he stood over Lucius's bike, hand perched aggressively on his hip. Lucius's head snapped up, his blonde ponytail nearly whipping him in the face, and Tom glared down at him.</p><p>            "I'm sorry, which way did you say to-"</p><p>            "Are you even <em>listening </em>to my directions?" he cut through him like a knife.</p><p>            "Please, my Lord, he doesn't understand," began Bella.</p><p>            "<em>Don't </em>call me your Lord," Tom growled at her, and she nodded emphatically, her eyes glinting maniacally at him through the darkness of the studio. "That's just creepy," he added in an undertone. Narcissa tried to lean over her poor husband's bike in an attempt to help him, but she wasn't able to see what his resistance knob was set to. As she craned her neck, the hulking brute of a man just behind her leaned in as if to catch a whiff of her scent, licking his lips disturbingly, and Tom suppressed a shudder, still standing over Lucius. Who <em>were</em> some of these people and how did they even find SoulCycle?</p><p>            "Instructor," said Lucius, turning the knob in the wrong direction now, "what did you say to do? Turn it to the-"</p><p>            "Silence!" Tom screamed dramatically, deciding that it was time to reduce someone to their knees; this power was part of the allure of being a spin instructor. Lucius stared up at him, shocked that someone had dared to speak to him yet not quite willing to fight back; Tom seemed like a formidable opponent. Narcissa, biting her lip nervously, tried to reach her hand over her husband's knee and turn the knob to the right for him.</p><p>            "I'm sorry?" Lucius all but whispered. Around them, the other class participants were staring and straining their ears, not quite able to overhear due to the blaring EDM music.</p><p>            "Do you have <em>any </em>idea what you're doing?" roared Tom. "I should really just take your bike from you; I see no need for you to have it." Lucius gaped at him as Narcissa gripped his wrist tightly with her long, slender fingers. Tom huffed angrily and stormed back to the podium to mount his bike again.</p><p>            "Master, TEACH ME please," Bella screeched as the class continued for the next half an hour. Sev rolled his eyes each time she had an outburst, pedaling all the harder as he whisked his long, black hair out of his eyes. Peter begged quietly for Tom to let them take a break, nearly sobbing with exertion, but Tom was on fire now, soaring as he led the class to the final climax. Lucius was still sitting on his bike in disbelief, barely pedaling anymore, and Draco kept shooting glances at his mother, desperate for some sort of reassurance. Narcissa attempted to soothe both of her men with occasional pats and soft words while also staring straight down at her lap as she pedaled elegantly through the workout.</p><p>            "This is it!" bellowed Tom from the podium, feeling his veins building with tension as he turned his resistance all the way up and hunkered down over the handlebars as he pedaled with passion. All around him people bounced from side to side with reckless abandon, launched into one final half push-up over the handlebars, and eventually slowed their violent pedaling. Everyone cheered as the adrenaline flowed through their bodies, Bella leading the charge with a maniacal shriek.</p><p>            "Thank you <em>so </em>much," she called to Tom, quickly unscrewing her clip-in shoes so that she could stagger over to him. Lucius, as expected, was unable to twist himself free from the pedals, and Narcissa had to interfere before also undoing Draco's shoes.</p><p>            "Let's leave, Mother," he said hurriedly, shooting Tom an alarmed look before scurrying from the dark, overheated studio.</p><p>            "That was <em>horrendous</em>," added Lucius, putting a hand on his wife's back to gently push her out of the room before Bella could catch up to them. "And the instructor really seemed to loathe me; I have no idea why."</p><p>            "You!" Tom's voice suddenly halted the Malfoys in their tracks.</p><p>            "Me?" replied Lucius, trying not to tremble at the infuriated glare that the man threw him.</p><p>            "How can you <em>live</em> with yourself?" Tom spat before striding dramatically from the studio, pushing past the newbies, knocking Peter gracelessly into a wall, and giving Sev's left forearm a quick squeeze.</p><p>            "What the HELL," started Lucius a minute later.</p><p>            "Come on, darling, let's just go. Dobby will be here in five minutes to get us. I need a <em>drink</em>, for God's sake," Narcissa sighed, tugging her husband along behind her. Draco was already on the sidewalk outside waiting for them, anxious to be away from the frightening instructor and his crazy aunt.</p><p>            "What was that? Why did he hate me? What the HELL?" Lucius repeated as he followed his wife, and he tossed his clip-in shoes in the bin.</p><p>            "That," replied Bella in affected tones as she surfaced from out of nowhere behind the Malfoys, "was the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord of SoulCycle."</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>